I lost my you-know-what today.
I lost it on my husband.
I lost it on my kids.
I lost it at myself “How can I have such little self-control?! What is WRONG with me??”
I was mad at myself for being out of control.
I was mad at my husband for losing his patience back at me instead of giving me extra, very-undeserved grace.
I was mad at my kids for being EXTRA needy, EXTRA annoying, EXTRA argumentative and whiny.
I was mad at myself for wanting to spend Sunday, one of our only family days, ALONE with NO noise, and NO whining, and NO crying, and NO yelling.
Well, thankfully I at least have enough self-awareness to take a minute alone and try to figure out the root of this lack of control and patience.
1) Maybe I’m getting my period. I honestly have no idea because it’s always a surprise after a miscarriage. It sure feels very similar to that out of control crazy feeling I get every month… only on steroids
2) Maybe it’s stress. There’s literally a MILLION AND A HALF things going “wrong” at the moment. (When isn’t there?! ??♀️) Things that aren’t supposed to happen, happening. Things that are supposed to happen, NOT happening. Things I am working SO hard on, showing no fruit. More problems/obstacles/issues popping up multiple times a day.
For every step forward there are 3 or more steps back. We’ve been trudging uphill in mud for a while now. Maybe I’m near my full capacity.
3) Maybe I’m neglecting self-care. I did get a workout in yesterday. I did eat well this week. But maybe I needed to prioritize more time alone to recharge. Maybe I’m not spending the alone time that I DO have in a productive way.
4) Maybe I haven’t been spending as much time being grateful. Maybe I have been focusing on all the things going wrong, that I’ve taken up the space in my brain that I usually use for thankfulness.
5) Maybe I just suck at life. I mean, this was a legitimate thought at the moment.
So what IS it?! What is it that makes us absolutely LOSE our you-know-what and turn us into a Momster of the ugliest and most embarrassing kinds?
Honestly? I just sat here for 5 minutes. Like, the first part of this blog post flowed so well. I could easily share all the sucky things happening and my negative thoughts. But when it comes time to confront what it actually is?? Stumped.
Except one thing.
I do know one thing that always knows when and how to attack. There is an enemy that knows that when I’m at my best, I can do great things. He knows that when I am happy and aware of my blessings, I spread joy. And when I am kind and patient with my kids I show them love and sew unity and love into my home. He knows that if he can hit me where it hurts… and cause division in the thing that matters most to me- my family- on one of the most precious days that I have with them, that he can make me second guess just about everything about myself.
He knows those thoughts will send me into a spiral of misery, frustration, hurt, self-doubt, negativity, more yelling.
I scream at my kids like a lunatic, he cheers.
I exercise control, he pushes harder.
He knows exactly which buttons to push and he will pull no stops while using them.
So who wins?
All I know is this… I am a sinner, in need of a Savior.
And days like this I am reminded so loudly of that. I fall short every single time, but THANK GOD for the GRACE he provides for me.
So what do I do?? I pray.
I ask God for strength in this moment. I ask for peace and joy, and to remind me of my blessings. I ask Him to show me my kids and my husband through HIS eyes. I ask Him to remind me to be kind even if I don’t feel like I’m being shown grace. I pray He reminds me to love even when I don’t feel like it. And mostly, I ask for forgiveness. For being the hot mess that I am, and for using any of the precious time that I’ve been given to sow discord, and pain into the lives of the people I love most.
Andddddd now I’m crying. Because I do love them. And I hate being like this.
So mama, if you’re reading this… give yourself some grace. Get on your knees. As for forgiveness, and ask for wisdom and strength. He will not withhold that gift for you. And if you mess up a thousand more times… wash, rinse and repeat.
Here’s to continuing the rest of our IMPERFECTLY RESOLVED LIVES!!!
And here’s me… just moments after coming inside instead of going on a family walk because I had just lost my you-know-what ???♀️ #JesusTakeTheWheel